Relationships, Investments, and Vampires!
Last year, I was recognized by Columbus Business First as a ‘Forty under 40’ honoree. This award is given to top executives under forty years old who are recognized for their achievements both in business and in the community. During the award interview I was asked what my secret to success was, my response was automatic, RELATIONSHIPS!
Simply put, I care much more about people than money or accomplishments, I believe this to my core. Ironically, I attribute a large part of my success to how much I value and nurture relationships. I also believe that money is not the only currency that facilitates transactions and ultimately success. Instead, success is a result of strong relationships, Trust Equity and Social Capital. The more I focused on people and treated the relationships I built as infinitely more important than anything else, the more opportunities gravitated toward me.
Relationships are funny things, they're essentially unwritten social contracts between two people. A big part of the success or demise of these engagements has a lot to do with how each party fulfills their part of this contract. Some people get it and have a natural ability to nurture and protect their relationships while others don't necessarily have that inclination.
I believe in something I call Relationship Equity. Think of it as two reciprocal bank accounts (one account they deposit with you, the other you deposit with them). As you invest your resources into the relationship (e.g. time, money, emotion, etc...) you are making deposits in their account and growing the Relationship Equity. The more you do for them to (genuinely) add value to their lives, the more equity you build! Obviously this should be a reciprocal effort, it is also important that whatever resources you are investing in the relationship are the ones that the other person values the most, otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.
Unfortunately, some people have no regard for the concept of relationship equity, they either don't know or don't care. For example, I've seen arguments with two friends were one is hell-bent on proving the other wrong "to prove a point" and doing so with substantial damage inflicted onto the friendship in the process. I'd argue that you can still prove a point and do it in a way that preserves the relationship equity.
By employing this approach you are demonstrating that you value the relationship more than the argument, crisis, or any other bump in the road…the relationship and the equity you've built with the other person is above it all. At the end of the day, people's impression of you is how you make them feel. Setbacks in relationships can be turned into opportunities to earn back some of the equity lost. The key is to have built up enough equity to cover these unforeseen withdrawals, otherwise the value and viability of the relationship will be in jeopardy. If you're constantly withdrawing relationship equity, at some point there will be a zero balance in the account, at which point the relationship doesn't really exist.
The foundation and initial building block of any relationship is what I call Trust Equity. How much do I trust you, open up to you, and move closer to just being an acquaintance? One of my friends and mentor who happens to be a very successful business person told me "If you do what you say you're going to do that will put you 80% ahead of the competition, it's that simple". Being predictable in a positive way and consistently dependable builds and fortifies the trust equity you build in relationships. Think of it as a warranty that you provide as part of what people should expect when building a relationship with you. What you're essentially saying, “You can trust and count on me, however, if I do something to damage our relationship, I will independently take the initiative to make it right because I value how YOU feel and the trust equity you've invested in me”. Understanding this point is by far the most fundamental aspect of relationship success whether it be personal or in business.
That brings me to my final point about relationships, you can't win them all.
There is a "special" class of people I call Vampires, they are the consummate takers. Remember I talked about two reciprocal "accounts" in each relationship- with these people they simply take and rarely if ever make deposits. I attribute this to the "what's in for me" culture that I unfortunately see so much in this day and age. These people have no issue leaving a trail of drained broken relationships because ultimately their priority is themselves at the expense of everyone around them.
The key to a successful relationship is reciprocal efforts to mutually grow the relationship equity with each other, otherwise the imbalance becomes toxic and resentment starts to grow from the drained person. This concept has been one of the biggest revelations I’ve learned as an adult. I've learned to quickly identify the vampires and reduce, if not entirely eliminate, any interaction I've had with them.
I hope you’ve found some value in this blog. It is important for all of us to reflect on the value we are adding to the lives of the people we care about and whether we are investing in the right relationships in the right way. I would venture to say it has been my most personal blog to date because I’m sharing my deepest values and even some conclusions I’ve learned from disappointment and even heartbreak. Regardless, investing in the right people has been the most rewarding thing I’ve done. I just needed to dodge the Vampires and to invest in the people that choose to invest in me.